4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
