I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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