im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
