Sponge bath it is.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
