This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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