You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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