My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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