I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
