you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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