If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
