I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
