WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
