We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
