Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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