you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
