I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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