My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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