Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
