Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
