Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
