watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Randomize
