My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
