your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
