what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Randomize