Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
