i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
