I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
