he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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