i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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