final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
