i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
