she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
