I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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