Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
