I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
