I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
