okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize