i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
