He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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