I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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