Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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