The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
