worst night to have a conscience
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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