Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
