sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
