goodnight i made you a song goodbye
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
