If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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