What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
