I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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