Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
