You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
