I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
