best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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