dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
