Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
