there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
