there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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