i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
