this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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