is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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