When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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